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Queen Merkel Says - Off With Their Heads!

Politics / Eurozone Debt Crisis Mar 22, 2013 - 03:50 PM GMT

By: Andrew_McKillop


In the famous children's story, Queen of Hearts Merkel only needed one Mad Hatter - but today has an Airbus load of them, called The Troika's expert analysts, advisor and strategists. Also, Merkel has lost her longtime and truly favourite Mad Hatter - called Mr Nicolas Sarkozy, who she dubbed "Mr Bean".

Today she royally scrapes along in her Economic Kingdom rightly named Wonderland (in the Lewis Carroll story), with a huge rabble of discordant expert halfwits.

The chaos makes it all the easier for her to decide things her own way with her rousing one-liner: "Off with their Heads!"

Her Berlin-based Tea Party of experts (not to be confused with Sarah Palin's lackluster crew of failed MBA students) does what it can in the way of halfwit advice to compete with The Troika, but has now told her to up the ante. She is now, always more stridently, criticizing the handling of Cyprus bailout proposals, that she rejects one after the other, even before the parliament in Nicosia has a chance to reject them! Off with their Heads!

One simple reason is her usually affable, inert and stupid husband, the King of Hearts, also known as the European Central Bank, has become unusually vociferous. The ECB has shown it can also play Queen of Hearts' tunes. Its kneejerk one-liner is: "Cut all funding to Cyprus".

Many versions of the Lewis Carroll story have been turned into films, but none as yet include the Russian Vampire. This is henceforth corrected, because the ECB, the IMF, the Commission and of course the Mad Hatters are frothing the drastically simple message: "Russia must pay!".

Queen of Hearts Merkel thinks that is a super slogan, and herself is now using it. On March 21 at a closed-door meeting of her Court including the Gryphon, the Knave of Hearts and leading legislators in Berlin she told them that she is "very annoyed" the Cypriot government has been so rude to The Troika - and has got nothing at all out of the Kremlin. Using coded language for a public execution coming soon, she announced that this is "unacceptable". Apparently, there was deafening applause at the no-press-allowed meeting, as her servants rushed to fill the champagne glasses.

One of her leading Knaves put it this way: “We are not ready to accept solutions that are full of wind,” Michael Fuchs, deputy leader of Merkel’s Christian Democratic Union said after the secret meeting. Other leading Knaves added that it is definitely "Not appropriate to play poker in this matter, especially when you think that there is a risk that two (Cypriot) banks will become insolvent next Monday.” And guess who decided to push them into bankruptcy?

Poker certainly, chess no. Vlad Putin, flitting darkly in his Kremlin palace from one juicy jugular to the next, has been forthcoming on what he thinks about poker games with two-bit European Mad Hatters. He calls them "unprofessional" which is coded language for awesomely terrible things. Slipping rapidly into the Kremlin dissecting room, he wheels out the Gazprom Monster, complete with bolt in its head to announce: "We make Cyprus a new Qatar - or You make it a new Zimbabwe".

Vlad is OK with that pitch, in fact he wrote the script for it. The Gazprom Monster says offshore Cyprus has so many trillions of cubic metres of gas the place will be a new Qatar almost overnight. It will be rich enough to buy David Beckham and the Paris PSG football team! The Troika only has to get its checkbook out and stop panicking. Pipe down and pay up. That Is All.

Whenever Vlad makes an ex cathedra pronouncement from the Kremlin dissecting room with all those scary things around him like The Mummy, Imhotep, The Wolf Man and others that are almost as scary as the Gazprom Monster, to Europeans, there is instant panic in Wonderland. Decidedly more chaotic than any normal Mad Hatters' Tea Party, independent observers said, because the present one rings with Apocalypse Now one-liners as the teacups clink and chink, and clatter to the ground.

“Time is slipping away!” Luxemburg Finance Minister Luc Frieden said on one of Queen Merkel's favorite radio stations, German RBB-InfoRadio. Other Knaves rushed to add more panic fodder, saying: "Banks will open again in Cyprus on Tuesday!" and there will be wall-to-wall panic. Before getting back to their tea and muffins, they sang in chorus: "A solution is absolutely necessary!"

The Knave of Luxemburg added "This is not just about Cyprus, it also concerns Germany and Luxemburg". Is it possible to exaggerate the level of danger for the entire wide world? Wonderland tea parties are always like this, but the most exciting ones have the public executions, also.

Queen Merkel told her leading Court Jesters, also called The Banks, to pop out and buy any kind of European stocks and shares they wanted. Anything will do. Ask the ECB to slip you a few billion. Lo and behold, European stocks soon erased their losses, in fact the Euro Stoxx 50 Index traded up 0.1 percent when midday struck in Berlin, 21 March. The euro, which posted its biggest two-day decline since July at the start of the week, rose 0.4 percent to $1.29565. Queen Merkel ordered cream tarts and muffins for everybody.

With Nicolas Sarkozy gone (and reduced to dipping in the purse of 80-year-old and infirm heiresses), Queen of Hearts Merkel has to make do with The Eurozone Hatters, called finance ministers who, pleading for mercy from their angry Queen, have now promised Her that Cyprus will surely and certainly find the 5.8 billion euros ($7.5 billion) they need to fund the next Tea Party.

Surprisingly able to keep his head, Michael Meister, deputy parliamentary leader of Merkel’s CDU told BBC's Radio 4, March 21, that "Cyprus is living in an illusion". The Queen was not immediately available to comment, or decide on the right punishment for such outrage, because she has said, in the good old days with Mr Bean, the Arch Mad Hatter, everything would have been arranged in a jiffy.

Before her beloved Mr Bean had to leave and was forced to humiliate himself stealing from aged and infirm billionaires, to support his gorgeous wife The Mad Princess, everything was illusion and nobody complained. The Queen is therefore most unhappy, and increasingly angry about this Reality Defect. Europe, and especially Eurozone is a Wonderland of Illusion: Was ist das Probleme?

As her experts say, the Cypriots only need to find $7.5 billion, wherever they like - perhaps Vlad the Vampire will briefly defrost his heart? When they have the dosh, the Troika's Mad Hatters have planned a simply marvelous Trading Strategy to lose it all, almost instantly. It will be madly amusing!

With the 7.5 Biln (a new monetary unit, invented for the Queen in 2008), Cyprus can draw in oodles of New Cash. For a few weeks, even days, it really doesnt matter how long, Everything Will Be Fine..

Her Experts have told her this and, if they are wrong:

Off with Their Heads.

By Andrew McKillop


Former chief policy analyst, Division A Policy, DG XVII Energy, European Commission. Andrew McKillop Biographic Highlights

Co-author 'The Doomsday Machine', Palgrave Macmillan USA, 2012

Andrew McKillop has more than 30 years experience in the energy, economic and finance domains. Trained at London UK’s University College, he has had specially long experience of energy policy, project administration and the development and financing of alternate energy. This included his role of in-house Expert on Policy and Programming at the DG XVII-Energy of the European Commission, Director of Information of the OAPEC technology transfer subsidiary, AREC and researcher for UN agencies including the ILO.

© 2013 Copyright Andrew McKillop - All Rights Reserved Disclaimer: The above is a matter of opinion provided for general information purposes only and is not intended as investment advice. Information and analysis above are derived from sources and utilising methods believed to be reliable, but we cannot accept responsibility for any losses you may incur as a result of this analysis. Individuals should consult with their personal financial advisor.

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